Okay, what did everybody pick out for your comic strip character?
I was assigned Ted Forth, and it was an easy choice:
Yes, these do exist and are officially licensed.
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Comics I Don't Understand 
I signed up for the “Secret Santa” list very late, and received four options, some of which had already been rejected more than once. Since I figured that it was too late to return them yet again, I decided to award presents to all four:
Steve Canyon: A lifetime supply of nicotine patches.
Caulfield (Frazz): Front row seats to “The Importance of Being Earnest”.
Liō’s Dad: A three-month contract for a reputable governess, preferably Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee.
Arlo (& Janis): Shovels and rakes, and implements of destruction.
P.S. Nothing in the invitation said that the presents had to be “authentic” items that were on the market!
I want to know if CIDUBill got the idea from here . . .
. . . or if Bill Amend got the idea for this comic from the product (and yes, great [first] names think alike).
And wouldn’t any food on the plate, the plate that holds the food, the table that holds the plate, any legs under the table, and the floor that holding all this up . . . be cut apart?
Oh, wait – they don’t really work, they just light up. So you can see your food in a dark Oriental restaurant, I s’pose. Now I’m hungry.
I got Sara from Zits. She’s a teen-age girl, and my imaginary budget is unlimited. She gets an iPhone 11 Pro.
I assigned Bill his choices. His alternatives were Popeye (from the E.C. Segar Thimble Theatre) and Clark Kent (from the Golden/Silver Age Superman comic strip). It seemed only fair to include an easier contemporary character too, but I have to admit that I was hoping to find out what Popeye or Clark would have received.
Andréa, the chopsticks showed up on my Amazon “Things You Might Like” list one day, for reasons unknown (if I had to eat with chopsticks, I’d starve to death).
Maybe they knew I’d be assigned Ted Forth a few weeks later.
You’d DEFinitely starve if you had to eat with THOSE ‘chopsticks’. You could, however, then use the light to see where you dropped your food.
I’ve decided that I – and probably many others – have a microphone implanted, which also reads my emails. This CONSTANT real-life synchronicity (hereinafter known as R-LS) can’t be a coincidence each and every time.
I had The Lockhorns and figured they might could use a game night. So I selected Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots. (I was surprised to learn they still make that game.)
I had Lucretia, Barney Pillsbury’s trophy wife in Barney & Clyde. I got her this appropriate T-shirt, which reads:
Five Things You Should Know *About My* Husband
1. He is a freaking awesome husband [Flattery probably got her the wedding ring in the first place]
2. He loves me to the moon and back [Probably not – but, the power of positive thinking, and that]
3. He’s also a GRUMPY MAN [GREEDY MAN would have been better, but okay]
4. He has anger issues and a serious dislike for stupid people [Totally true]
5. Mess with me and he’ll make your death look like an accident [Entirely possible]
Anyway, Lucretia would certainly rock this shirt.
https://smile.amazon.com/Things-Should-About-Husband-T-Shirt/dp/B07QNWY2XX/ref=sr_1_15?dchild=1&keywords=perfect+wife+t+shirt&qid=1576522843&s=apparel&sr=1-15
Not sure how Kilby got Arlo, when I did too. I have, however, had real-life secret santa exchanges where similar things have happened, so C’est la vie! Anyway, I thought Arlo should have some things for when he cooks. I picked three: 1) Essential Gourmet Finishing Sea Salt Collection (real chefs know there’s more to salt than everyone thinks) https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00C16KREU/?tag=giftlablist08-20 , 2) an Outdoor Pizza oven for he and Janis to enjoy in their garden https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B00FYO368K/?tag=giftlabco07f-20, 3) a stainless steel chain-mail cast iron cleaner, because he loves cooking on his cast iron https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B00FKBR1ZG/?tag=giftlabco07f-20
I got Cynthia from Barney and Clyde.
Cynthia is an heiress, a bright kid with an attitude who loves to tweak the adult around her.
While it was tempting to get her a gift that would take her down a peg or two, I opted for a gift that would actually lead to a nice week of mayhem in the cartoon: a few (not too poisonous) scorpions.
https://www.reptilecity.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=reptiles&Category_Code=SCORPIONS
is currently having a “buy one get one free” sale, with free shipping on orders over $100.
Coming soon to a teacher’s shoe near you!
@DanV, I see Lucretia is making her own gift suggestion in today’s strip.
https://www.gocomics.com/barneyandclyde/2019/12/16?ct=v&cti=1382196
I’d starve if those were real lughsaber chopsticks. The superheated plasma would vaporize the food, so you could never actually get food to your mouth. Now, as they are simply plastic chopsticks, I’d have little problem eating with those. More than a decade in Asia will hone your skills.
This is how the jedi teach the young’uns to levitate things… They levitate or starve… a very kung fu tradition. The fact that they have ludicriously expensive specialized tools to drive home the lesson just shows how decadent the jedi have become.
if I had to eat with chopsticks, I’d starve to death
Nah, in the worst case you can use them to stab pieces of food.
Good luck stabbing rice.
So you don’t eat rice. There are many things you couldn’t stab, but as long as there are some things you won’t starve.
Well, I’d point out that rice is likely to be a substantial amount of what’s available to eat in a place where they give you chopsticks. Though I do admit to spearing a particularly tricking bit of tofu now and then. :)
Also, it is possible to starve yourself while stuffing yourself. Rabbit’s a good way to do it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protein_poisoning
CIDU Bill gave me three to choose from and I was so excited, I decided to do all three.
Uncle Fester (of the Addams Family): For this lovely man, it’s time to bring him up to date with the times. Instead of being stuck with a plain old incandescent bulb to stick in his mouth and light up, we’re going modern. A multi-coloured LED smart bulb which he (or any other member of the family) can control with an app. He can now set the mood for any occasions, whether it’s terrifying crooks who have come to the house to steal Gomez’s fortune or providing romantic ambiance when Morticia speaks French and Gomez goes to town on her.
https://www.amazon.ca/Multicolor-Compatible-Google-Assistant-Required/dp/B07T7JGX2R/ref=sr_1_7?keywords=multicolour%2Blight%2Bbulb&qid=1576546412&sr=8-7&th=1
Next is Death: The poor fella(?) is always working, reaping, reaping, reaping. And people are rarely glad to see him. Time to kill two birds with one stone. Death needs to take a holiday, get away from it all. A nice all inclusive resort in Mexico in the chilly days of late fall and he(?) can let the sunshine warm those old bones. Best of all, since it will be during the Day of the Dead festivities, he will fit right in and nobody will try to run from him. Free drinks, pretty young ladies taking selfies with him, and dancing, dancing, dancing! We just have to cross our fingerbones and hope the tour operator doesn’t go belly up in the next 11 months.
Finally, we have Linus van Pelt: Now this guy, I’m not quite sure. Maybe others could comment and help me make my final selection:
Choice 1: Weighted blanket. All the rage these days. They’re supposed to help you feel loved, like sleeping in a perpetual hug. Considering his abusive sister, people who are trying to steal his blanket, and his worthless, unresponsive god, The Great Pumpkin, I think maybe the poor guy could use some love. This weighted blanket may do the trick. https://www.cnet.com/news/best-weighted-blankets-2019-layla-gravity-bearaby-and-more/#listicle-ebc06978-36b3-4af4-9f7c-db137bde0b98
Choice 2: While I feel for Linus, there’s no denying that the day will come when he has to head out in the world and make his own way. Carrying around a blanket is going to hurt his chances with ladies, hiring managers, and parole officers. So maybe, the smart choice, is this blanket-lined set of coveralls. It lets him keep a blankie right next to him but discreetly. And should he take up work as a plumber or a chopper pilot or a mechanic, he’ll fit right in at work. And when he just has to drown his sorrows and sit out in the pumpkin patch all night, this will keep him nice and warm. What better gift for a child whose growth has been stunted for 70 years than the gift of being allowed to grow up? https://www.depop.com/products/thecreature-stunning-vintage-70s80s-wrangler-big/
I expect all the links will throw this into moderation.
What fun narratives! You-all are such cool Santas.
We’re waiting to hear your’s Mitch4
If anybody is wondering what I’d like, it’s an edit button, so I can correct comments I post without proofreading.
Well, I’d point out that rice is likely to be a substantial amount of what’s available to eat in a place where they give you chopsticks.
It would depend on the particulars of the restaurant. There are few Asian restaurants in the US where you could not get a fork, but if it happened to be case but otherwise had typical items you’d be fine. You could probably, for instance, order Mu Shu pork, which doesn’t typically come with rice here.
SBill, links alone don’t send a comment into Moderation: I changed that default, because the program has enough safeguards against spam.
STL Brian, we have different views of chopsticks. They are not an occasional exotic set of utensils, but, for many years, a quotidian fixture at many meals. And if it makes you and CIDU Bill feel better, there are plenty of people in Asia who are kind of crap at using chopsticks. And if you’re a white guy using them with any degree of skill, you get compliments.
“You’re very good with chopsticks,” they would say. “You’re pretty good with a spoon,” I would reply. I’m not a complete sociopath, though; such a reply was reserved for co-workers or other people I knew well and who should have known better. If it were somebody’s granny, I’d smile and thank her for the compliment.
I found out a long time ago that many salads are easier to eat with chopsticks than with a fork.
When my right arm was in a sling, I got a compliment from the owner of a Chinese restaurant on being able to use my chopsticks left-handed.
This kid is cute, but his technique is terrible.
And here’s a product for those of you wanting some chopstick training:
I picked Marla (from Retail) and I think she would enjoy a cattle prod. Either that or yoga lessons, to deal with pesky customers and coworkers.
Are you sure you don’t mean judo lessons? She doesn’t seem very interested in getting her chakra’s centred.
She might not be interested at first, but she could benefit, in the end. (My idea was either to work on one end of her problems: stupid people, hence the cattle prod, or on the other: anger management, hence the yoga lessons).
I admire your optimism that you can fix her.
STL Brian, we have different views of chopsticks. They are not an occasional exotic set of utensils, but, for many years, a quotidian fixture at many meals.
Well, CIDU Bill in the US, as am I. I can’t provide much information about restaurants in other parts of the world. I would suspect that ones that get some tourist trade would probably have some accommodations. Others, perhaps not. But that’s not what I was initially commenting on.
I think that Bill, forced to use chopsticks, would probably find a way to convey sufficient food to his mouth to survive. In fact, he could probably eat rice if it were served in a bowl, by holding the chopsticks clutched parallel in one hand and shoveling rice with them.
@SB: I cannot fix her, only she can do that; but I can try and make the scales fall from her eyes by throwing possibilities her way.
Can anyone explain why lightsaber chopsticks would be an “obvious” choice for Ted Forth? I haven’t followed the strip since the original artist quit drawing it (in the early 80s), and don’t want to dig into decades of archives to hunt for a solution. Does Ted really like Asian food, or is he just another obnoxious Star Wars fan?
P.S. Apologies to “ch” for poaching the entry for Arlo. I rechecked the e-mail to make sure that he really was there (and without prior conditions), so I guess Bill must have just sent the name out twice by mistake.
@Kilby, from Wikipedia: “Ted is obsessed with pop culture from his youth, often making references to Star Wars and other science fiction from the era.”; and since “his favorite food is meatloaf” (so much to learn!), he could use the chopsticks on it.
@Kilby: it’s been mentioned here: https://godaddyandthesquirrelmustbothdie.wordpress.com/2019/05/28/and-next-maybe-well-vote-on-whether-han-shot-first/
I drew Augustus Mutt from Mutt and Jeff (well, I drew his name, not his image!). Presuming that all bills go to CIDU Bill (see prior IBB posts), I spared no expense. Mutt is an efficiency expert – never do more work than absolutely required.
I hope he enjoys this full-service luxury home theater couch ($1500 or so). Seating for 2 or 3 should his buddy Jeff stop by to visit Mr. and Mrs.Mutt.
And, why not add the in-couch wine glass caddy! ($75 or so)
I got Val Stone, Buni, and Aunt Fritzi.
For Val Stone, she doesn’t need any stuff to clutter the house, so I’d get her tickets to the NCAA women’s Final Four, and bribe Holly and Alix to hug her every day.
I didn’t know much about Buni, I’m more familiar with her father, but based on my research, I’d give her “The Power of Positive Thinking” as an audiobook, and a pack of rainbow stickers.
Aunt Fritzi is tough. First I thought of getting her a starring role in a strip again, but from my research, she said exactly what she wants for Christmas, so I’ll take the easy way out, and help Nancy study and get a good grade on a test.
Kilby, no problem – I assumed it was just one of those things that happened; how could you know two of us had Arlo? Singapore Bill, I too would like an edit button. I hit inadvertently when I was typing “chemgal”, and so posted as “ch”
I was so pleased to receive Janis in the Secret Santa, but I have fretted over the responsibility! In the end, I got her a wine and bubble bath of the month club. A bit too personal? Perhaps, but in the end, I don’t think Arlo would complain.
I give everyone an eggnog-wth-Southern-Comfort toast to everyone who posted his/her gifts-to-be so far . . . very amusing to read.
Targuman, don’t worry about it being “too personal”: we see her in the bathtub or in bed several times every month.
Targuman, that’s not too personal. I would have given her a subscription to the Sausage of the Month club. I’m pretty sure I know why CIDU Bill did not assign me my beloved Janis.
I would probably have gotten Cynthia a copy of Machiavelli. I am a bad person sometimes :-)
as far as chopsticks, hunger is a powerful teacher…
Honestly, if starvation were the alternative, I have ten perfectly good fingers I wouldn’t hesitate to use.
For Walt, Jeremy’s dad, from auction: a vest worn by John Entwistle in concert, plus a new Applejack cap. The heighth of fashion, o my brothers!
As for chopsticks, I taught my kids to use them by denying flatware for the first third of the meal. “Practice hungry” was the watchword – and if you keep the bowl under your chin you get a second chance at dropped morsels.
Brian in STL: Lifting your ricebowl and shovelling the rice into your mouth is, indeed, the appropriate East Asian way.
The rice comes in a small dish, intended for an individual. Other dishes, such as meat or chicken, or tofu, are usually served on a larger platter for the whole table and you pick up what you want from the platter, hold it over your rice to catch the drippings, stuff it in your mouth and chew. When you want some rice, you hold the bowl up near your mouth and kind of shovel the rice. That is made pretty easy because Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans all eat a stickier form of rice. I remember the commercials of my childhood showed horrified white housewives, ashamed that the rice they had prepared was sticking together. That’s the way we got our in rice in Asia and, gosh darn it, we liked it!
Of course, there are other dishes, served in other ways, but that is the standard format.
CIDU Bill: Fingers are for eating Indian food. In restaurants in Little India section of Singapore, the ones that catered to South Asian customers, there were hand washing stations (sink, soap, towels) so one could clean before the meal and after. This was not in the washrooms, but in the back of the restaurant proper.
S-Bill: I have long preferred sticky rice, largely because I can pick it up with chopsticks. Also, a chunk of it with good drippings is outstanding.
Sorry for the delay, but I haven’t been able to get to this for a couple of days. Of the three characters I was given, Mrs. Olsen (presumably the teacher in Frazz, not the Folgers Coffee lady played by Virginia Christine) is the most fun. I toyed with giving her a certificate for a driver-training course, but settled instead on a lifetime pass to the coffee shop in Adam@Home.
Another was Lunker, of Retail. The simple shot would be a membership in a workout gym, but I think Lunker is brighter than he seems, albeit not very articulate, so I would give him a gift certificate for a nearby bookstore. Perhaps I would tuck the certificate into a DVD set of Friends.
Or maybe set Lunker up with private language tutoring by Mrs. Olsen.